TIPS FOR WOMAN: HOW TO HAVE RELATIONSHIP WITH GUY

Contrary to what many women believe, it’s fairly easy to develop a long-term stable, intimate and mutually fulfilling relationship with guy. Of course this guy has to be Labrador retriever. With Human guy’s it’s extremely difficult. This is because guys don’t really grasp what woman mean by the term relationship.
Let’s say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights latter he asks her out to dinner. And again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine. And, without really thinking, she says it aloud :”do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?”
And then there is silence in the car> to Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to her self: Gezz, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he thinks I’m tying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want , or isn’t sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh .six months.
And Elaine is thinking: but hey, I’m not so sure I want to kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I had a little more space. So I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily to ward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking . . . so that means it was . . . let’s see . . . february when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s which mean . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking. He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; may be he has sensed-even before I sensed it-that I was felling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about hi own felling: he’s afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? Its eighty-seven degrees out, and this shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieving cretin bastards six hundred dollars.
And Elaine is thinking: He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I fell. I’m just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They’ll probably say it’s only a ninety-day warranty. That’s exactly what they’re gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: maybe I’m just to idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on this white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them goddamn warranty. I’ll take their warranty. I’ll take their warranty and stick it right up their . . .
“Roger”, ”Elaine says aloud.
“What?” Says Roger, startled.
“Please don’t torture your self like this,” she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. “Maybe I should never have . . . Oh God, I feel so . . .” (she breaks down, sobbing.)
“What?” Says Roger.
“ I’m such a fool. ”Elaine sobs. “I mean, I know there’s not knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there no’s horse.”
“There no’s horse?” Say’s Roger.
“You think I’m a fool, don’t you.” Elaine says.
“No!” says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
“it’s just that . . .it’s that I . . . I need some time,” Elaine says.
(There is a fifteen-second pause while Roger, Thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
“Yes,” he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
“Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?” She says.
“What way?” Says Roger.
“That way about time, ”says Elaine.
“Oh,” says Roger. “Yes”
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens bag Doritos, turn on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it’s better if he’s doesn’t think about it.(This is also Roger’s policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never get in bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine‘s, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: “Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?”
We’re not talking about different wavelengths here. We’re talking about different planets, in completely different solar systems. Elaine can’t communicate meaningfully with Roger about their relationship any more than she can meaningfully play chess with duck. Because the sum total of Roger’s thinking on this particular topic is as follows:
Huh?
Women have a lot of trouble accepting this. Despite millions of years of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, women are convinced that guys must spend a certain amount of time thinking about the relationship. How could they not? How could a guy see another human being day after day, night after night, sharing countless hours with this person, becoming physically intimate-how can a guy be doing these things and not be thinking about their relationship? This is what women figure.
How are wrong, a guy in a relationship is like an ant standing on top of a truck tire. The ant is aware, on a very basic level, that something large is there, but can’t even dimly comprehend what this thing is, or the nature of his involvement with it. And if the truck starts moving, and the tire starts to roll, the ant will sense that something important is happening, but right up until he rolls around to bottom and is squashed into small blot. The only distinct trough that will form in his tiny brain will be, and I quote.
Huh?
Which is exactly what Roger will think when Elaine explodes with furry at him when he commits one of endless series of pretty offenses, such as asking her sister out, that guys are always committing in relationships because they have virtually no clue that they are in one.
“How could he?” Elaine will ask her best friends. “What was he thinking?”
The answer is, he wasn’t thinking, in the sense that women mean the word. He can’t: He doesn’t have the appropriate type of brain. He have a guys brain, which is basically and analytical, problem-solving type of organ. It likes things to be definite and measurable and specific. It’s not comfortable with nebulous and imprecise relationship-type concepts such as love and need and trust. If the guy brain has to form an opinion about another person, it prefers to form that opinion based o0n something concrete about the person, such as his or her earned-run average.
So the guy brain is not well-suited to grasping relationships. But it’s good at analyzing and solving mechanical problems, For example. If a couple owns a house, and they want to repaint it so they can sell it, it will probably be the guy who will take charge of this project. He will methodically take the necessary measurement, calculate the total surface area, and determine the per-gallon coverage capacity of the paint; then, using his natural analytical and mathematical skills, he will apply himself to the problem of figuring out a good excuse not to paint the house.
“it’s too humid,” he’ll say. Or: “I’ve read that prospective buyers are actually attracted more to a house with a lot of exterior dirt. “ Guys simply have a natural flair for this kind of problem-solving. That’s why we always have guys in charge of handling the federal budget deficit.
But the point I’m trying to make is that, if you’re a woman, and you want to have a successful relationship with a guy, the number one tip to remember is:

1.Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

The guy will not realize this on his own. You have to plant the idea in his brain by constantly making subtle references to it in your everyday conversation, such as:

Ø “Roger, would you mind passing me a sweet ‘n’ low, inasmuch as we have a relationship?”
Ø “Wake up, Roger! There’s a prowler in the den and we have a relationship? You and I do, I mean.”
Ø “Good news, Roger! The Gynecologist say’s we’re going to have our fourth child, which will serve as yet another indication that we have a relationship!”
Ø “Roger, inasmuch as this plane is crashing and we probably have only about a minute to live, I want to you know that we’ve have a wonderful fifty-three years of marriage together, which clearly constitutes a relationship.”

Never let up, women. Pound away relentlessly at this concept, and eventually it will start to penetrate the guy’s brain. Some day he might even start thinking about it on his own. He’ll be talking with some other guys about women, and, out of the blue, he’ll say,” Elaine and I, we have, ummm . . . We have, ahh . . . We . . . We have this thing.”
And he will sincerely.

I take this is from : Dave Barry’s Complete Guide to guys. Ó 1995 by Dave Barry..